14. října 2017

Dear Parents: I salute you! (Day 1)

I was appointed as a temporary guardian to my Auntie's two dogs. Nobody else was available to take care of them for the 4 days while she would be gone. Believe me, I asked around. A LOT. But since the dogs happen to live in the house where my mother is currently recovering from an injury that resulted in a broken shoulder and I was helping her already, it was a logical choice. 

I was given a few "simple" rules, like what time one dog needs to get his medicine (god damn early in the morning), and that the little one is deaf and epileptic and the other one is old and disobedient so I have to take that into account. Oh and one will only shit when you are looking at it. Don't ask me why, but it is a real thing apparently. But otherwise they are "both lovely" I was told, and "you are going to have a great time". Yeah. No. So that  didn't happen. I am a sucker and the dogs are like one deaf toddler and one demented and bratty teenager. If having kids is anything like this, then count me out people. Or rather: I admire greatly anyone who takes care of anything this or more demanding and challenging on daily bases. You are the real MVPs people! Cause this is how it went for me:

7:00  went to  give medicine to one of the dogs. Got there, put the pill in a chunk of butter, prepared another chunk of butter for the other dog so it wouldn't get jealous. Forgot which chunk was which. Had to examine both, which caused delay. To much unhappiness of the dogs, who were already salivating and giving me dirty looks.

7:15 Gave them their treat finally, watched them swallow it without chewing (wheres the fun in eating butter that way you dumb animals?!) and let them out into the garden. 

7.30 Went to tend to my mother. Bathing, changing, breakfast, morning medication, daily update on whats wrong with the world, all of that. Productive.

8:30 Made breakfast for the dogs and myself. They didn't eat it. Unsure why. Decided not to care.

9:30 Went shopping for food so I could cook lunch and dinner "from scratch" as ordered. By mother. Not the dogs.

10:30 Started cooking lunch.

11:00 Realized cooking is not something I am good at. But kept on trying. Maybe cried a little.

11:30 Consulted Google on how to fix a ruined meal. As always, Google helped, but also (as always) advised me I may have cancer. But that is just what Google does whenever you ask it something, so I am used to it.

12:00 Tried to fix ruined meal. Broke microwave in the process. Didn't think that was even possible. I guess you learn something new every day. Made an executive decision (I am good with those) to worry about that later.

12:30 Went to release the beasts again. They were already at the gate looking to wreak havoc.

Freedom freedom oy, oy!

12:45 Served lunch to mother and watched her not enjoy the food I made and complain that lunch was served too late.  

14:00  Tried to do some work and realized I forgot to bring the damn dogs back from the garden. They seemed fine, but I wasn't sure if they did their business. Which was important to know, because one of them will otherwise shit at home as soon as you get there from the garden, I was told.

14:30 Searched the garden for dog shit. The respective dog was laughing at my effort.
ur never gonna find it, biatch!
15:00 Examined several found shit samples to see if it may be from today. Made an executive decision that one found specimen looked fresh enough, but couldn't attribute to which dog it belonged. 

15:30 Asked Google what is the difference between a bulldog and pit-bull shit. As always, Google helped and I managed to close the browser before it told me I am dying of cancer.

16:00 Spent some quality time with my mother. Listened to stories about everything being cheaper decades ago, and young people behaving badly these days. Fun times were had. 

16:30 Went for a walk with the dogs. Hoping to see the little one do his business. He did tease me a few times by squatting, but never seemed to be up for the task completely.  That was until I sat down next to him and looked him directly in the eyes while he pooped. What a little weirdo!
you are my bitch now and you are gonna watch me shit!

17:00 Made dinner. Apparently used wrong dishes and therefore diminished mother's enjoyment of food. True, the verbal contract executed beforehand did stipulate which pots, pans and plates should be used at which times, but one doesn't always remember to follow all the little things in their contracts, right?

18:00 Free time for me! So overwhelmed with the sudden freedom, that I struggled to decide how to spend it. Wasted an hour thinking about whats the best thing to do. Did nothing. On Buzzfeed.

19:00 Was tasked with a few house and garden chores that only two-handed people can do. Did them, but at evaluation time it was determined of unsatisfactory quality. Who knew that there is only one right way of putting dishes back to the cabinet or planting flowers?
I did

21:30 Gave dinner to dogs. Explained to them why it is still me, the sad sack, who is with them, as they looked rather meaningfully toward the  door, hoping someone else will magically appear. Nobody did, so they looked disappointed and gave me all sorts of guilt inducing looks. 
why is It still here? Where is mummy?
22:00 Took dogs for one last walk of the day. They didn't want to go but I made them. Felt bad about it. Whats wrong with me?

22:15 Put mom to bed and went to pick up the dogs from the garden. Called for them in the dark to come home. The deaf one couldn't hear me, the other one heard, but didn't give a shit and didn't want to come back anyway. 
22:30 Chased the damn disobedient dog around the garden for 30 minutes in order to get both of them to go back inside. It seemed to have been fun for the dog. It was barking loudly. Neighbors not pleased.
am just looking for some goodness in this cruel world

23:00 Tried to bribe the insanely fast dog into compliance. With food. Felt guilty about it, because my major in law school was anti-bribery. But it didn't work anyway. The dog bribing, not the law school. Although, on second thought…

23:15 Decided to be a tough leader and simply order the dog to go back inside. Used a firm and confident tone of voice. Dog couldn't care less. At that point he had already found a hedgehog, and was fully occupied by terrorizing it.  

23:30 Said the infamously desperate and fake “so… you don't want to go? Thats fine. FINE! Stay. Ill go without you. You stay all you want. All ALONE." Hoping that will somehow change the subjects mind. That they will worry they are being abandoned and follow me. Dog still gave zero fucks.

23:30 Used the dirtiest trick from the book, pointed toward the house and said “Look who's there, look who's coming, look, mommy came back” suggesting their owner has returned. Dog recognized the word, looked up from the hedgehog and reluctantly went to check the house, just in case. I locked the door right behind him. Felt guilty about lying to the trusting creature later.

you… youu…. LIED to meh?
24:00 Showered while feeling sorry for myself. Realized I forgot to eat dinner but was too tired to do anything about it.

00:30 Did the "How stupid is your life on scale from Zero to Dog-sitting SomeOneElses difficult dogs" test on Buzzfeed. It is now officially confirmed. My life is really stupid. Went to sleep dreading the next day. And maybe cried a little.

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